


Never Changing Who I Am

by mandsangelfox



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Character Study, Gen, Introspection, slash if you turn your head and squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-11
Updated: 2014-05-11
Packaged: 2018-01-24 07:39:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1596944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandsangelfox/pseuds/mandsangelfox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a choice, one Steve should never have to make, not as long as Bucky is around because Bucky will make those choices, will happily muddy his hands if it means Steve's stay clean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Changing Who I Am

**Author's Note:**

  * For [estel_willow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/estel_willow/gifts).



It's in the dark moments inbetween his more lucid waking memories that Bucky realises the stark difference between himself and Steve. Steve's the hero, Bucky's the killer. Steve saves lives, Bucky takes them, has been doing that since he set foot in this hellhole. His best friend, that skinny kid from Brooklyn, has become a beacon for hope, something for people to pin their dreams to, but he's still Steve. Or least that's what Bucky thinks. Sure he's a whole lot taller and bigger than he used to, but underneath all that muscle is still the young naive boy that would happily throw himself onto a grenade if it meant other people lived. 

And Bucky? 

Well, Bucky, hates the world. Not because of what it's done to him, that's fine, he can take it. But, Steve? He can't. He can't take what this world is, not when he still looks at everything like he can make it better, change it somehow, but at what cost? Steve might be willing to pay the price but Bucky isn't, not if it means losing his best bud.

Steve's not supposed to be fighting somebody else's war, even if he's done everything in his power to be out on the front lines, he's too good for this place, too good to be getting blood on his hands and there's just too much hope in him to watch it be crushed by the hopeless pursuit.

Bucky's done things he's not proud of, but he's done those things to survive and he'd do them again a million times over if it meant Steve didn't have to. It's not often Steve takes a life, not if he can help it, but Bucky? He does it without thinking or sparing a second thought. It's a choice, one Steve should never have to make, not as long as Bucky is around because Bucky will make those choices, will happily muddy his hands if it means Steve's stay clean.

He's a Howling Commando, one of the best, but what the others see, Steve doesn't. Bucky's not the same, not since he came out here to fight the Nazis. He used to be a fun, carefree kind of guy with a quip or flirtatious remark at hand, but these days he spends more time on his own, is haunted by memories, and has crushing nightmares that threaten to swallow him whole. There's a reason he drinks alone, but when Steve comes around Bucky puts on a smile, acts the part he's always fitted so well in the past because that's who he is to Steve.

And nothing has to change, not if he can help it. Steve might not need it, but Bucky's looking out for him, just like always. He's with him until the end of the line, even if Bucky's not entirely sure where or what that end is. He's along for the ride, every step of the way, without hesitation. This is Steve: Bucky would follow him to hell and back. They're fighting the bad guys together and he might be the little guy now but that doesn't change just how hard he'll fight because Steve was the little guy once and that never stopped him, no matter how big his opponent was or how much the odds were stacked against him.

Sometimes just sometimes Bucky hates himself, for being so goddamn selfish in that he doesn't want to share Steve with the rest of the world and he doesn't want the world to have the goodness that all but pours out of Steve, but he can't help himself. He was supposed to keep him safe, but instead his friend's leading the charge, walking headfirst into danger and Bucky knows it's for a good cause, but he can't help but feel the world is changing Steve, not for the better, and he wishes more than anything he could just turn back time.

Hell, he couldn't even save himself from the grip of the Nazis, how he thinks he's going to keep Steve safe is beyond him, but Bucky will die trying if that's what it takes. Steve would do the same for him and there's no such thing as half assed far as Steve Rogers goes, it's all or nothing, and Bucky's been all in for as long as he can remember. 

For better or worse or until death do them part.

That's just the way it is.


End file.
